Ethnocentrism in parenting

In America there are certain things that are considered 'wrong', such as breastfeeding beyond 12 months (or even 6 weeks in some parts of the country), letting children sleep in the parent's bed, or insisting that children need 'socialization' in the form of government-structured schooling. We try to look at things from a more open mind. This American mindset that just because it's normal in America, that means it's right, is totally self-centered and ethnocentric. No wonder we have a whole population of people who are also self centered and unable to see that everyone is different and that's okay.

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Confessions in motherhood

I scheduled a job interview for yesterday at noon. Babe goes down for her nap usually around 11:00 so this would be perfect. I knew I'd have to conduct the interview in the bathroom, on the opposite end of the house, but that's not a big deal.

Come 11:20 a.m. naptime was nowhere in sight. I frantically folded the 4+ loads of laundry residing in the port-a-crib and put a dozen butterscotch chips (no dye) in the bottom of her plastic glittery Valentine's day cup from Grandma. Set child and cup 'o candy in the crib and the interview was conducted without a blip (other than my tendency to over-explain everything). Came out to child happily retrieving butterscotch chips from her cup.

Guess what my new parenting tactic is? Other people, like Musician's Friend, who I'm on hold with at the moment, understand a few baby chirps, but it's much simpler to write notes on phone conversations sans the grabbing fingers, loud input, and overall baby 'help'

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Pay Per Post

blog reviews



I applied with Pay Per Post just one day ago, and today they approved my blog. I'm excited to see the opportunities out there. I don't have a video camera, and I see oppertunities for videos in blogs, but we'll see what text ones come through.

Being laid off my job last week and still searching and testing (Medical transcription requires extensive testing before even getting an interview) for companies, I'm happy to do something to fill the gap in the meantime.

As a work-at-home mom, sometimes it takes some creativity to makethe money you need while still being able to keep a watchful eye on your child. I had a phone interview earlier today wiht a transcription company, and it involved a playpen, mason jar of chocolate chips, and me in the bathroom wiht the door closed ;) Don't know what my mama did without a portable phone!

As I type this, my daughter is sitting on the couch waving the phone at me and taunting that she might touch the 'no touching' lamp. I can look over and smile at her as I type, chant one of our favorite nursery rhymes (hickory dickery dock today), and keep on typing... A skill WAHMs have mastered, I'm sure :)

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Parenting by grace

I've hugely changed my mind on what the 'right' way to parent is since my daughter was born. And I fully anticipate changing my mind 57 more times as different children and their different stages come along.

I thought she'd be on a schedule, be spanked for disobedience, and sleep in her own bed ;) She sleeps with me, is not on a schedule, and I do swat for disobedience, but that's rare.

I guess, it's a matter of the heart. I'm not set on spanking her, if there was something that worked better I'd do that. I don't believe spanking is for all children or all parents. It's just that for her it works. If I was having to swat her multiple times a day, I think I'd find something else to do.

I've also come away from the idea of 'punishment'. I don't punish her because she 'deserves' it. I'm not called to judge what she deserves, but more to encourage her to do what is right. And if what is 'right' is not swinging the lamp around or touching the electrical outlet, then a little flick might encourage that. Just consistently pulling her away from something sometimes might do the trick as well. I'm now a big believer in doing the least amount of negative response as possible, so if a consistent distraction works and accomplishes the desired outcome without negatively impacting the family, I'm happy to do that.

I've also seen families where the children dictate everything the family does, and I know I didn't want that. This is what initially turned me off from 'grace based parenting' that I'd heard about, but I believe that's just some people taking a concept and following it to a ridiculous extreme.

Both hubby and I come from families where the parents really had an agenda to 'show us who's boss'- his parents by physical discipline, mine by emotional manipulation. I don't really feel a burden to have her believe that I am boss. I'm guessing she does, but proving the point isn't something I'm interested in. Believing that God gave her to me for a time, rather than believing her to be 'my property' has been the best thing He has taught me regarding parenting, I think.

When I ask her to do something, I tend to really check myself to make sure she is capable of doing it relatively easily and that it's really necessary. I'm sure she *could* sleep through the night without nursing, but it's not necessary for me right now. If I really wanted to push, I *could* blanket train her (to stay on a blanket quietly on the floor for a set amount of time) but again, it's not really necessary. We were at a friend's with a Christmas tree a while back, and I knew it was perfectly within her ability to not touch it even though she would really like to, so I did require that of her. It's not so easy for her to get in her jammies at night without complaining if she's over-tired, so I don't require her to be quiet while I do that, but I do demand that she not physically fight me about it as I'm dressing her.

This whole experience has been really interesting to me, and humbling. I have to admit that I *do not* have control of her, I'm not ruling her by fear but rather encouragement. I don't believe disobedience is always sin on her part (this was what I believed before), and it may be not necessarily sin, but at least wrongness on *my* part for asking something of her that she is not really able to do or was for my selfishness rather than what she needed.

An example of something that illustrates my change is if a toddler is going over to the dog food bowl in a friend's house. He wants to see what it's all about. Curiosity is how children learn, it isn't a bad thing at all. But mommy doesn't want him to make a mess and tells him not to touch the dog food bowl. He is still inching closer to it, and she tells him again not to touch it. He continues to go closer to it.

Before, I thought that he 'deserved' a spanking for touching it, and if he spilled it, he would have to pick up all the pieces and put them back, and if he didn't, he would get a spanking for not following directions and it would repeat until he had picked up all the dog food.

Now, I most likely would try to distract the toddler with something else, but not completely remove the dogfood bowl from the situation as I do still desire to teach my child self control. If he didn't want to play with the other distractions I provided, and he still went back to the dogfood bowl, I might give a little flick on the hand as he went to touch it. This isn't about punishment, it's about a little negative stimuli to encourage him not to touch it. If he presisted, and the dog food got spilled, I would tell him we had to clean it up, and taking his hands, 'together' we would pickup the dog food. This isn't as overwhelming to a small child as being instructed to pick up the food on his own, by an angry parent. This is gently but firmly encouraging him to fix his mistake, and helping him do so.

If the dog food was absolutely still tempting after all this, then the child just most likely isn't capable of resisting the temptation and I *would* put it up. I'd prefer to use things like this, if possible, as a self discipline training tool rather than making everything 'babyproof' but I don't desire to exasperate my child either.

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Positive discipline

Of all parenting techniques, I wish more people knew about positive discipline. An effective correction tool, it corrects the child without shaming, as spoken about here

Discipline often becomes a challenge for parents of toddlers. Try to say things in a positive way rather than using negatives. This may take some practice, but is very effective once you form the new "habit." For example, instead of saying "Don't run," say "Please walk," or instead of "Don't take your shoes off," say "Please keep your shoes on." Developmentally, toddlers (as well as preschoolers) hear the action word and ignore negatives, so when you say, "Don't run," they hear the word, "RUN." Start now with a positive approach and see if it works for you!

Encouraging anyone, including children, to do the right thing is 1000 times more friendly and loving than discouraging them from doing the wrong thing.

A waldorf approach to positive discipline from here:

You Are Your Child's First Teacher, page 257
"Many parents ignore their child's negative behavior until they either give in or lose their temper. For example, a lady with a baby and a two-year-old in one shopping cart and groceries in the other was ignoring the crazy behavior of her two-year-old, who became more and more annoying, trying to get a reaction... Although she was still able to calmly ignore it, we need to recognize that it is frustrating to children to be allowed to get crazier and crazier as they keep 'upping the antie.' There were a lot of calm but effective things she could have done along the way, like stopping the cart and saying it doesn't move until he's sitting down; singing to him; engaging him by saying she'd let him get the pineapple juice... asking him to watch in the produce section and tell her when he saw the carrots. Children don't have to be crazy or drive us crazy, but they do require creative interaction."

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